So this is what rock bottom feels like

[beelikej]

Yesterday I offically lost it. I woke up, could barely roll around, so I took a big pink pill. Then I crawled out of bed to go to the toilet. It took me some time to sit down (imagine slow motion) and when I was done... I couldn't reach to wipe. That's when I started crying. I can handle pain and stiffness to a certain degree, but not being able to wipe my own butt? I don't want to go through that amount of helplesness again.

So there I was, bawling on the toilet. I managed to find a way to clean myself (don't ask), but couldn't stop crying. Heavy breathing resulted in choking on my own tears and snot, so I had to cough, but couldn't because my back was stuck and it fucking hurt. I got hysterical, started walking around in my livingroom, still crying my eyes out.

Since I couldn't get dressed, there was no way I could make it to work on time. I really want to keep on working, because I love my job and it's one of the things that is able to distract me from my pain. After half an hour of aimlessly walking back and forth (and more crying) I decided to call my boss, because I didn't know what else to do. It was 7.15 a.m. I was still very upset, so it wasn't a very coherent conversation on my part. I'm not going into the personal details -I've had some issues and misunderstandings with the bossman- but this time he got the message. He told me he'd come over to talk.

While I was waiting for him I managed to calm down enough to make breakfast. Every single move I was unable to make had me tearing up again: reaching for the bread in the cupboard? Tears. Having to kneel down to get butter and juice from the fridge? Tears. And so on.
Obviously I did not change out of my pajamas. I did however put up my hair (more tears).

I had stopped crying by the time he arrived -around 8.15- and then we talked. I think he understood the amount of stress on the job is part of the problem, due to the never ending adding of orders plus a lack of communication. My backpain is initially caused by stress -which doesn't make it less of a physical problem, but it does mean it can't be cured by exercise (and/or massages) alone.

He also did -sort of- manage to convince me I didn't have to feel guilty or silly for breaking down. He asked if we should get some professional help to work out the problems in the workplace. The insurance company offers a guidance program which includes doctor's treatment to prevent people from having to stop working while recovering physically and/or emotionally.
It was a good talk. We've had those before, but I think this time it was obvious the problem isn't going away by talking about it or understanding where it comes from. I guess I needed to break down to finally ask for help. I trust I will get it now and I hope this will give me enough strength to deal.

After a while I did manage to get dressed and together we drove to work, where everyone was very lovely and nice. I still feel like a bit of a loser for crying and not being able to sit down, but rationally I know that's stupid;)

I spent my evening with mom. We had planned to go to the Arthouse for Sicko, but I was too exhausted to go (plus my back probably wouldn't have survived sitting down for a film). She made me the most wonderful dinner, complete with the best dessert EVER (I should have made pictures) and gave me the remote control. How is that for pampering? She knew just what I needed *g*. With that power invested in me I chose to watch Children In Need on the BBC. Because I really wanted to see that Doctor Who Special. Oh, and it was for charity. Or something. *is heartless unless rewarded for caring*.
I'm sure mom enjoyed my squeeing;). We spent the rest of the evening talking while watching (Dutch) TV. It was awesome to not have to think about anything else and just simply hang together. It's very comfortable at my mom's:)
I still decided to spend the night at my own place, so mom drove me home (and carried my groceries upstairs *hugs mom tight repeatedly*). I managed to not turn on the computer and crawled into bed right after I waved mom goodbye. Sleep is bliss.

I'll post about today tomorrow;)

Comments

[tanisafan.livejournal.com]

Aww sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear that. And you're so amazing for still going to work. When I had something similar last month with my neck (Standing up? Crying. Lying down? More crying. Etc etc) I stayed home. Your boss is so sweet for coming over to talk to you, and driving you to work afterwards. He definitely gets points for that!

But more importantly, how's the back now? Better, after the much-needed pampering, I hope? Did The Doctors help? *g*
(And honestly? Because I'm a sap who tends to cry when she sees sad stuff, I took bathroom and tea-making breaks whenever there was an Emotional Chyldryn Moment *blushes*.)

Your mom is a hero. Rest properly, 'kay? *huggles you*

And if it helps: have a lovely little Remus/Sirius fic that is not Christmassy ;).

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Well, I would have gone nuts if I had stayed at home;) The boss is cool, but we used to be much closer, when it was just the two of us in his home-office. Good times, good times. (I remember having Cake's Fashion Nugget on repeat for weeks and us singing along together. We also did a very good version of No Doubt's Don't Speak which was a big hit way back then:)

The back seems to have calmed down a bit after getting some respect yesterday and being allowed to relax all day today. I even managed to go into town to get some long awaited Sinterklaas-candy *g*.
Of course the Doctors started the treatment by taking my mind of the pain yesterday evening:) I also have to thank John for being his enthusiastic and charming self and making me grin. Since I had the remote, the Beeb would dissapear as soon as the as the presenters put on their 'serious' face. *is very selfish human being*

My mom rocks. I will make an extra special super dinner next time we go to the movies;) We've planned to go see Atonement and The Diving Bell And The Butterfly at the end of this month.

Oooh, fic. I've printed it into a lovely booklet on my fancy printer (36 pages - that's more than little;) and will now take it with me to bed. Thank you.

Here's hoping for sweet dreams!

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

I'm going to try to reply some more later - just want to give you a hug now! My doctor had a good talk with me about stress being the reason for my stomach migraines and how that is still physical. But since I have a stomach migraine attack right now, I can't write long reply!

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hug. It's hard to accept that you can't simply stop stressing. It feels like an unbreakable chain of stress-pain-stress-pain, but I might be able to break it with some help. Hope you feel better soon *hugs*

[chemfishee.livejournal.com]

*very carefully hugs you*

Sometimes breaking down is good for the soul, even though you feel absolutely ridiculous and embarrassed about it afterwards.

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Thank you. For someone who's used to dealing with life on her own, it's hard to admit I can't do it by myself at the moment. I guess all the tears I've saved up for months had to come out eventually.

[fred-bear.livejournal.com]

Mnay, mnay, many *hugs* for you honey.

I'm so proud that you're not beating yourself up too much for breaking down and that you're also looking at the positives that may come out of it.

More *hugs*

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm really trying to not get lost in misery. *hugs*

[kennedy-unknown.livejournal.com]

So sorry to hear what you've been through the past couple of days. Glad you're (slightly) on the mend. And we all need to break down every now and again - everybody does it. It's what helps us go on.

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

The past week just got worse and worse, which hit me extra hard because before that it felt like my back had miraculously recovered. I really hope it will be up hill from now on. Thanks for being here:)

[sillie]

Awww, so sorry to hear this. *hugs carefully* Hopefully things'll get better now. And Yay! for moms. They can be awesome. *nods* :3

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the sympathy and the hug:) I'm very happy my mom is near.