Is it stormy where you are?

[beelikej]

Those of you who read my Dutch blog already know that for the past weeks I've had to cycle about a mile more each day to reach my busstop. The last few days it's been very stormy and every time I'm out in the rain, putting on my waterproof overpants - which are always a bit of a struggle-, I remember how last year my body failed me so much I wasn't even able to dress myself. I'm so happy I recovered from that, but even though my body is in great shape, I'm sad to say my brain reached the same level of defeat. My state of mind is approaching depression and I feel like shit.



I'm trying to get a grip on the turmoil in my head by writing it down. Who knew I could even get so fucking emo. Certainly not me. I blame other people.

I've been living an awesome life on my own and I really thought that's how it would be for ever. So when I built myself a home online, I was very surprised when I connected to people. From the start I've had problems figuring out how I felt about that.
Labeling people as "friends" is still confusing me. I don't always comprehend what people are offering and have problems finding the balance between giving and taking. I have learned that most lj-"friends" are not really as caring as they sometimes appear to be. Or maybe I have very high expectations.

There are of course also people I don't emotionally care about, even though I love to read about their lives or beliefs. But at the moment I'm struggling with actual feelings for some people and I don't know what to do. I got so upset when I found out people who I like (admire? love?) turned out to have opinions that I can't understand. My reaction scared me. It really hurt to learn they don't agree with me on every subject or -worse- are passionate about stuff that to me is loathsome.

My default response would be to dump them and not look back. Because somehow it feels like they are disrespecting me and I can't deal with that. On a rational level I know that's nonsense, but I just feel so let down.
I really wish I could let people be and go back to the lonesome life again, but these stupid people have managed to snuggle into my heart and soul.

I wish I knew how to deal with dissapointment. At the moment I very much wish I could go back to being the hermit I used to be. Even though it would hurt me to let people go, it seems safer on my own.

It would be so much easier to simply despise people for not seeing I'm scrumptious, worthy and most of all right. I hate my brain for beating my feelings of superiority with rational.
Dammit.

Comments

[rabidfan.livejournal.com]

Would that we could put people into tidy boxes! Sadly, we must learn to accept them with all of their warts...and to not think they are "sucky" because of them! I'm afraid you will find there are very few people in the world who will think exactly as you do on all subjects. Still, you will be a better person for all of the angst. In this you will just have to trust me!