Is it stormy where you are?

[beelikej]

Those of you who read my Dutch blog already know that for the past weeks I've had to cycle about a mile more each day to reach my busstop. The last few days it's been very stormy and every time I'm out in the rain, putting on my waterproof overpants - which are always a bit of a struggle-, I remember how last year my body failed me so much I wasn't even able to dress myself. I'm so happy I recovered from that, but even though my body is in great shape, I'm sad to say my brain reached the same level of defeat. My state of mind is approaching depression and I feel like shit.



I'm trying to get a grip on the turmoil in my head by writing it down. Who knew I could even get so fucking emo. Certainly not me. I blame other people.

I've been living an awesome life on my own and I really thought that's how it would be for ever. So when I built myself a home online, I was very surprised when I connected to people. From the start I've had problems figuring out how I felt about that.
Labeling people as "friends" is still confusing me. I don't always comprehend what people are offering and have problems finding the balance between giving and taking. I have learned that most lj-"friends" are not really as caring as they sometimes appear to be. Or maybe I have very high expectations.

There are of course also people I don't emotionally care about, even though I love to read about their lives or beliefs. But at the moment I'm struggling with actual feelings for some people and I don't know what to do. I got so upset when I found out people who I like (admire? love?) turned out to have opinions that I can't understand. My reaction scared me. It really hurt to learn they don't agree with me on every subject or -worse- are passionate about stuff that to me is loathsome.

My default response would be to dump them and not look back. Because somehow it feels like they are disrespecting me and I can't deal with that. On a rational level I know that's nonsense, but I just feel so let down.
I really wish I could let people be and go back to the lonesome life again, but these stupid people have managed to snuggle into my heart and soul.

I wish I knew how to deal with dissapointment. At the moment I very much wish I could go back to being the hermit I used to be. Even though it would hurt me to let people go, it seems safer on my own.

It would be so much easier to simply despise people for not seeing I'm scrumptious, worthy and most of all right. I hate my brain for beating my feelings of superiority with rational.
Dammit.

Comments

[fred-bear.livejournal.com]

Honey, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's difficult enough to let people in in the first place then when they do dissapoint you it confirms your initial belief that it's easier in the first place not to let them in, 'cos you will just end up feeling like crap when they inevitably dissapoint you.

Hmm, rambly, but I hope it makes sense. I've struggled (and still do evey damn day) with feeling like that, fighting against pushing people away before they hurt me. The thing is, I'm not sure it is safer on your own, even though you think it might be. I think it could end up a very lonely place indeed.

How to manage those feelings of dissapointment while still putting yourself out there is a tough thing and one I'm still not completely sure how to do. I think you just have to accept that there are people in your life who are there for a season, some who are there for a year or two and some who are there for longer. They all bring something important, no matter how long they're there for and how much it may hurt to let them go.

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

You made perfect sense to me. I'm -a little- relieved I'm not the only one with these feelings, thanks for sharing and being here. Obviously I have more issues on the brain than the one I posted about, but your comment really helped to ease some of the turmoil on this part of the problem.

Lonely is a lot easier to deal with if you are not aware of an alternative. I allowed myself to get close to people in the past year; I'm both dissapointed and proud about that.

[tanisafan.livejournal.com]

It doesn't sound silly at all, and I can see where you're coming from with this.

And I know it's tempting to shut everyone out, I used to do that. It's a lot more rewarding if you don't though. Scary, but better. (And I get what you're saying, re: when people don't share your opinions. But just think how much more disappointing it would be if your friends changed the things they feel and believe in to appease you? I mean, wouldn't that be worse?)

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Honestly? I still expect people who I care about to do me the courtesy of changing to my side. I guess it's obvious I'm not used to dealing with people.

You know I've been pleasantly surprised about how much I enjoyed connecting to people after years of not caring, but I still have a lot to learn. I might not ever get there, but for now I'm fighting to come to grips with it. I'm not giving up yet, despite the temptation of going back to the safety of being on my own and my doubts about the bit that's supposedly rewarding.

[rabidfan.livejournal.com]

One of the hardest parts of being of the world...not just in it...is accepting that nice, rational people can (and frequently do) hold beliefs that offend us on some level. If everyone always believed the same, there would be no conflicts causing the tremendous heart-ache we see worldwide. Is that enough of a reason to want everyone to think alike? Not for me. Freedom is not just a buzzword that politicians throw around. It's a gift from God. You probably have far different beliefs religiously than me. (Hey! I'm good with that! No offense here!) But the Bible says we were all made 1) in His image...therefore we should ACT like him and be better people and 2) are free moral agents...able to make our own decisions and responsible for the outcomes of them.

Tell your friends how you feel on those painful subjects. Tell them why it hurts you so. Give them the opportunity to BE your friend by explaining why they feel the way they do. You may find that you are able to find enough common ground that the painful elements won't ruin your friendship after all. If they still are too much to bear? Be friend enough to TELL them why you are choosing to walk away. Will it all hurt? Oh yeah. Will you grow because of it? Yes, dear friend. You will.

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

I'm not one to shy away from letting people know how I feel, so friends are mostly aware of the issues I'm struggling with. Sadly -as tanisafan pointed out in the comment above- they are not gonna change the things they feel and believe in to appease me. In my warped brain that means they suck, while I thought they were awesome. I'm so used to putting people in either one of those categories that it's very confusing when I apparently can both like and hate people at the same time.
Life was a lot easier when I didn't have to deal with feelings.

[rabidfan.livejournal.com]

Would that we could put people into tidy boxes! Sadly, we must learn to accept them with all of their warts...and to not think they are "sucky" because of them! I'm afraid you will find there are very few people in the world who will think exactly as you do on all subjects. Still, you will be a better person for all of the angst. In this you will just have to trust me!

[sillie]

I'm sorry you're feeling down, and I can totally see where you're coming from.

Dealing with other people? Is really, really difficult, and I've noticed that I've been pulling back a lot over the years. I just feel a lot 'safer' at home, where I can do anything I want from behind the safety of the computer screen. But yeah... sometimes you still come across people that get to you, and it sucks when they let you down in some way.

Anyway... Know you can always talk to me when you need too. I might not always be online, but my mailbox is always open. :3

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Strange how it is reassuring to hear others are struggling with this as well. Must be why I connected to some of the people on my flist *g*. Thanks for sharing, I know we talked about this in the past, and it's good to be reminded I'm not alone in my bewilderment. We are so very brave for leaving the house and meeting each other.
Sadly my depression is not only caused by this particular subject, but knowing you are there for me is really helping. I might just take you up on your offer if I'm ever able to put it into words.