Don't you know, don't you know...

[beelikej]

Before I continue to focus on the festive season, I need to get something off my chest. I hope this is the last emo-post of 2008. In fact I'm hoping it will be my final post on the subject EVER. This year has been an emotional rollercoaster and as much as I learned about myself and even other people, I've had enough. I would like to return to being oblivious and selfish me, please.

Here is one more kick in the gut for people who tried to reach out to me. I failed you; I still don't get the whole friendship-thing.
Do not take this personally, I only wrote in second person because it's easier to express myself; it's really all about me. Feel free to ignore or comment. Whiny rant behind the cut.


I think you still don't realize how hard it is for me to deal with others, even you. You must be unaware that as much time as you give me, I always need more, because if you would know, you would maybe understand it's better to keep your distance.
I was never this needy for attention, because I was smart enough to never let people in. What I feared is exactly what happened: every bit of your attention makes me feel special, while I know I'm not that special to you. I'm sure you would argue I do mean very much to you, but I doubt you feel what I'm feeling*. Of course I'm not your only friend, but I find myself expecting to be treated as such. With my warped sense of social behavior, in my mind I have made myself the most important person in your life. So when I don't hear from you for a while I get very confused and wonder why you won't talk to me. (This is definitely a result from how I was brought up - I am aware of my issues, sadly it doesn't mean I can deal with being ignored, whether it's intensionally or accidently.)
Don't get me wrong: I am not kidding when I state I'm deeply in love with myself. I AM very happy with who I am, I'm just not very happy with how I behave towards others. Especially towards those people who are special to me. I know that might not be mutual and that hurts.
*Sometimes I think I detect 'a vibe' and I'm secretely hoping you have the same intense feelings. But most of the time I hope you don't, because I don't wish this misery on anyone else. It's killing me.

Disclaimer: I deny anything mentioned having to do with "romantic" love. "Just good friends" is hard enough to deal with, thank you very much. I'm too obsessed and ignorant when it comes to friendships to even consider a more involved relationship with anyone. (Although I'd probably be all over you, if you offered)

Comments

[kennedy-unknown.livejournal.com]

Could you really go back though? It would just be worse to have people reaching out to be your friends, and then to cut yourself off from them.

[rabidfan.livejournal.com]

Ah, but there is no going back. We can only slog on...ever forward...no matter how painful or distasteful.

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

That is the big question; now that I've got a taste of caring and being cared for, it would be hard to not have that any more. When I didn't know what I was missing it didn't matter. But as much as I am amazed and pleasantly surprised when people reach out to me, I just can't figure out what it means and that is driving me slightly mad.

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

I don't like change. Why can't things just stay the same. Why can't people just make sense. *grumbles some more*

http://xkcd.org/513/

[hanskuipers.blogspot.com (from livejournal.com)]

*hugs*

[rabidfan.livejournal.com]

These are the kinds of questions I've been asking my whole life. If you find the answers before me, you'll share...right???

Re: http://xkcd.org/513/

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Thank you. "Friends with detriments". That's something to think about;)

*hugs you and xkcd*