Pityparty of one

[beelikej]

Today I called the bank and buildingassociation to tell them I won't be buying my rental apartment. I have thought about this carefully, after all: buying as opposed to renting is supposed to be 'an investment in the future' (big adult voice). But for me it's much more important to have money to spend now and not worry about being able to make payments. The additional costs that come with getting a mortgage are simply not worth the trouble and stress. (I would have to pay about 200 euros per month more plus I get the responsibility of ownership and the hassle of taxes) I decided instead I'll find a pensionplan so I will save extra money on top of what my employer is already setting aside for when I'm old(er). At least I won't have the obligations of paying every month.

I know I made the right decision for me, but I did have a little cry this morning for once again failing to check the "look I'm an adult!"-list. You know the one (in more or less particular order):
1. grow up
2. get car
3. find mate (male/female)
4. get dog (cat/pets)
5. buy house
6. have kids
7. settle down.

Okay, so I am an independent, single woman with a satisfying job, but I haven't been able to check ANYTHING off the list. And while I was struggling with this big step I got the news that my brother and his GF finally managed to get pregnant and it just hit me again: FAILURE IS MY NAME.

Not being extatic about that wonderful news obviously makes me even more of a loser and I'm trying to be happy for them, I really am, but I can't help but feel unreasonably sad. It's not like I ever saw myself in a relationship, let alone trying to raise a baby, but it stings, you know. I just wish my mom could experience this with her daughter (me).

So, yeah. Here I am, 40 years old and still at the bottom of that stairway to adulthood. Fuck.

Oh well, at least without all those distractions I can spend all my freetime on fandom. *clings to BigBang*

Comments

[yasmine32068.livejournal.com]

You are NOT a failure!!!

First off there is nothing worse than NOT taking a look at your financial situation and NOT making the right decisions. I think you are fucking brilliant for assessing all of the pros and cons and making a decision that is best for you! Too many people don't consider everything! I know that my husband and I didn't when we bought our house... I had a decent job and he was in the Navy everything was fine but then we ran into a hard patch and we had NO backup plan. Boy screwed didn’t even cover it!

Secondly I think that waiting until you find the RIGHT person to have kids with is the actions of a clear thinking woman… Would you just settling when you are considering having a child and raising him/her? No, you wouldn’t and if you think that buying property is a big deal sit down and figure out the cost of having a baby from conception until they are a legal adult! That’ll put hair on your chest!

I don’t see anything on that list that I consider a failing. You really should ask yourself if it is YOUR list or what you SHOULD HAVE list. I mean when you think about it and what I know of you. it looks more like a list of what society says you should have. Not what is right for you because if were things that were right for you then you’d have had it already!

Chin up and shoulders back because you are in no way what I would consider a failure!

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Oh, it's definitely not MY list and except for maybe when I was five I never wanted anything on it or thought I needed it to be happy or fulfilled. But every now and then -when hormones are raging- I get a little weepy and think for a second I should want all those things. But then I go to work or simply sit in my living room and look around and I'm pretty fucking happy with my life:)

Thanks for the peptalk, I'll keep this close whenever I start doubting my choices again.

[yasmine32068.livejournal.com]

Any time ya need a swift kick in the ass I'm your girl! You know I love ya to pieces!

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

Not being extatic about that wonderful news obviously makes me even more of a loser and I'm trying to be happy for them, I really am, but I can't help but feel unreasonably sad.
Ahem.... yeah.... It's a very natural reaction! You're not the only one to react this way (when in that kind of situation). We all do! Not many ppl admit it though! I am happy you do - makes me feel less like a loser for feeling that way all the time!

Is being an adult really to cross of those things - or is it rather being old and secure enough to make the right decitions for one self, even if it doesn't follow that list?

I have the house, I have the kid.
I don't even count the husbands I've had, because they were for the wrong reason! I know what you mean - I thought I was going to be a completely different place at 36. Happy marriage, job, not beeing 100% dependent on internet to have anything resemlence to a social life.....

You know what - I think being an adult is much more than that list - that is just the A4 adult life! Let's be different, huh?

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Ahw, thank you for saying that. I though most people would immediately be thrilled for their sibling/friend. It helps to know I'm not alone in feeling almost nothing and feeling guilty about that.

The internet is my social life most of the time, but seeing as I had expected to be a lonesome hermit in my cave-like home by now, I think I made big steps towards connecting to people in the past few years;)

And you're right, most of the time I am proud to not fit the mold of the omnipresent list. Thanks for reminding me being different is an adult thing all by itself:)

[rabidfan.livejournal.com]

I fail to see why an arbitrary list of life events makes on an adult? Lots of children have babies, own cars and pets and they don't qualify as adults!

You're an adult. Period. You've made sound decisions regarding your future, your financial well-being, and career path. Those are more mature decisions than a lot of "adults" make their whole lives while they collect cars, pets, even children without thought to the care and responsibility involved with any of them.

Believe me I know the sting of not meeting others perceptions of what you should be. Don't let the "norms" of society make you feel that you've some how failed to be a fine woman. (You'll feel good for brother soon...I know too much about THAT subject, too!)

Make a new list, dear one. One that lists your achievements and your realistic goals. I'm certain that when you compare it to the "adults" list you'll find that you're way ahead of the game! Bless you.

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

I know, I know: the list by itself doesn't mean anything and usually I don't feel the need to live up to society's expectations. But occasionally I allow myself a little cry for going down another road.

That new list is a great idea. I am actually quite proud of the things I have achieved, especially all the traveling I've done. One of the reasons I didn't feel I needed to own a house as a money maker to realise big plans after I quit working is that I already saw most of the world. All I need a pension for is putting my feet up with a big stack of books by my side. And I quite like a stressless life until I get there:)

[rabidfan.livejournal.com]

As far as I'm concerned? Stress free sounds wonderful! Homeownership isn't for everyone. No reason to force yourself into that mould. Considering the housing down turn here in the US I'm sorry to say most of us homeowners have lost a lot of money! My own house is only worth 2/3rds what it was just three years ago. I know others are in even worse shape. Good things to skip!

[rispacooper.livejournal.com]

Owning a home so isn't worth it unless you are really, really financially secure.

Also, not that owning a pet makes you an adult, but why no pet if you want one? The apartment doesn't allow them?

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahahahaha; the thought of me and a pet is really hilarious. *giggles* I don't even have plants because I can't handle anything that wants my attention. It's hard enough taking care of myself;)

No, the list is definitely not my wish-list, just a summary of things society expects a woman to want to function. I never actually tried to get any of those things; a car fits me as bad as a pet, not to mention a partner or kids;) But every now and then I get this creepy feeling that I should want those things and I should be thrilled for people who have those things (my brother has a girlfriend and a house and a dog and now he's also going to have a baby and it freaks me out)

To make the decision about the house was hard because I had to be sure I didn't make my choice for the wrong reasons (to actually check the list or to purposely sabotage the list). You are so right about needing to be financially secure before taking that step. It involves much more than simply paying off mortgage.

[rispacooper.livejournal.com]

Aw, I can't imagine kids or anything (because I am selfish and that would take time away from me and writing and drinking and all sorts of even more selfish reasons) though I can get along with my friends' kids. But pets...I've never not had a pet.

Or plants for that matter. Maybe someday you can get a cat that ignores you. Or a cactus. :P

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Well, the being selfish explanation goes for pets too in my case;)

I WILL NEVER EVER GET A CAT. (I'll keep the cactus under consideration though:)

[rispacooper.livejournal.com]

I was going to say something about some cacti are pretty and then I thought of the movie Cactus Flower, which...has a lot of problems, but is still kind of adorable.

And then yeah...I am easily distracted today.


What, no cat? You don't want to clean up after and feed an animal that has no interest in you whatsoever? heh

[tanisafan.livejournal.com]

Aw honey. But do you really want all that husband-kids-Volvo-golden retriever stuff? You have a great apartment, a great job, you can spend your days how you want (and go on weekend breaks when you want!) You may not have bought a house, but you have a home and a boatload of freedom and that's a lot better. Just because people 'tell you' you're supposed to settle down in the traditional way, doesn't mean they're necessarily any happier that way ;).

*hugs you*

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Eeeek, you know I don't want all that, I would go crazy even having just one thing of the dreaded list! I think you summarized best why I really love my life. (Except for those minimoments when I freak out a little about not wanting to fit the norm and think there is something wrong with me for enjoying life on my own)

*hugs tight*

list

[https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawlqMpHcD_cRAdyMyxHL_JFCnMK_YitIHE4 (from livejournal.com)]

Hey, at least you got a driverlicense before you reached 30 ;-)

Re: list

[https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawlqMpHcD_cRAdyMyxHL_JFCnMK_YitIHE4 (from livejournal.com)]

mmm, sorry, the openidthing looks a bit weird, didn't mean to post anonymously :-| (Hans)

Re: list

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Hey hello, brotherdearest,

Hey, you're right: HA!
That at least makes me more of a grown up than you :-p
(Don't you dare get a dog though;)

[sillie]

I'm really awesomely late to this (BigBang, I blame you. :'3), but yeah... what the rest said. :'3

*hugs*

...I probably shouldn't comment in the middle of the night. I'm so awesome with words right now. :'3

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, we both can blame BigBang for losing track of the rest of the world;) Thanks for the hug (and those screencaps you sent me were a big comfort tooo)! *hugs back*

Midnight comments are the best;)

[sillie]

You're welcome. (I thought you'd like those. :'3)

\o/