This is a very personal post - consider yourself warned

[beelikej]

I'm trying to win the fight against the depression by keeping busy...

Useful: did laundry (it dried in the sun! In February!), am making list of new computerparts that need to be bought, cleaned up a bit and did my finances (really, that's a good thing;)...

Distractions: Seinfeld (new DVD-S5), music (The Who's Quadrophonia), shopping (photo's will follow later-I bought shoes!), arthouse with mams (Our Daily Bread) and will watch CSI S7Ep16 on the big screen tonight...

Lovely: tanisafan sent me a story. Thank you dahling, the fact that you wrote it for me made me feel better already and then ofcourse reading it was very satisfying;)

Not so much fun: I can't shut down my brain. I have to keep worrying about the workthing.
Last Thursday we had our monthly meeting. One of the subjects was company-clothing. In order to be recognizable to clients, the boss wants us to wear the same shirts. It's still just an idea, clothes have yet to be chosen and will be discussed, but the thought of having to wear some sort of uniform, even if it's 'only a shirt', is driving me slightly mad. Almost to the point of getting hysterical.
Because I started to think about what I absolutely didn't want to wear and as it turns out I have a whole list. It may look like I just throw some clothes on in the morning, but there is a whole careful process of buying shirts and sweaters, that takes a lot of work. I am not ashamed of my body, -it's beautiful, thank you- but I do desperately need to camouflage the chest-area. So shirts without a print are out of the question. As are shirts that are too tight, or light-coloured... The list keeps getting longer.
It's because I hate being instantly classified as a woman. I know there is no hiding that fact -duh-, but it's really annoying how even the most decent human always does that eye-dip when talking to me. But more importantly: the breasts constantly remind me of having a body. And I like to live inside of my head. Does that make sense?
If I could I would have my breasts removed. That's how much they bother me. And to be confronted by that circle of thoughts -again- is bringing me down. Because I thought I had it under control.
I was already feeling depressed -for no apparent reason- before the meeting, but as we say in Dutch, this was the 'drop to overflow the bucket'. I'm very close to crying. I haven't shed a tear in months, even when I was hormonally excused. This sucks.
I'm hoping to calm down enough over the weekend, so I can at least let the boss know how much this upsets me. I'm sure we'll work something out. But in the meantime, my brain is drowning in thoughts. :,-(


Hopefully I will -again!- be able to go to bed before midnight. Sleep is comforting, even though my dreams are making it clear my head is not in a happy place. Big sigh.

Comments

[tanisafan.livejournal.com]

You're very welcome, dear! Enjoy CSI, I'm curious to see what you thought of it ;).

Sorry to hear you've been so worried, but I'm pretty sure your boss will understand if you tell him, right? And hey, sometimes it helps to have a good cry. As long as you feel okay again soon sweetie, it makes me sad when you're sad. *gives you many cuddles*

*tries to cheer you up with pretty images*

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

I crashed on the couch with my blankie and got caught up in Never Mind The Buzzcocks (Simon is adorable when he's pissing people off;) and Southpark. Now it's too late to watch CSI, since I need my sleep more than anything else at the moment.

Thanks for the link to the pretty. It might help give me some sweet dreams:) Mmmm. Greek God from Texas.

[lizphairrulz.livejournal.com]

Aww, hon! *major e-huggage* Hope everything gets worked out, and hope you stop worrying so much. *hugs*

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Thank you muchies. *treasures hugs*

[thejazzter.livejournal.com]

I never had a depression, but I hope you'll soon be fine +hugs+

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

That's good to hear:) Thanks for the support and the hug:)

[thejazzter.livejournal.com]

I thought so. No problem, that's what friends are for.